A first week in a new country is a key one no matter what the agenda. It allows you to gather first impressions, to impose yourself upon your new territory, and to gauge how much of a success the trip will be. My opening week, and indeed my opening three weeks, were to be spent on the west coast, famous for its beautiful scenery more than anything else. I arrived in Vancouver from Heathrow on a flight that was full of French students, which would of been bliss had they of not hailed from the land of frogs. On arrival, I managed to gain access to the country despite the stringent, and what I felt, over-the-top security. My first impressions were slightly ruined by an Asian taxi driver dropping me off several doors from my accommodation, and due to the Jewish door numbering system on Granville Street, I spent around half an hour looking for where I would be spending the next few days. Eventually, I did find this venue, and it was of suitable standard for a man of my calibre. The first thing I did on arrival was meet one of my room mates, Mike from Ontario, whom I instantly suspected to be a pedophile. However, we were soon heading out for a few beers, as it would be rude not to on a Saturday night. Joining us were a "dude" from California, and a women from Mississippi, whom I suspected to be a lesbian and unfortunately had great trouble understanding. By the end of the evening, we had visited four establishments, and enjoyed 7 pints, including my first double crown, which involves half a pint of Strongbow with half a pint of Guinness. It was surprisingly nice. Any hopes of a decent nights sleep were dashed by a wog whose snoring was enough to make even the most patient man, such as myself, suicidal  

McCarthys last pint - Magners in Heathrow	The annoying French students
McCarthy on arrival in Vancouver	Suspected pedophile Mike, and girl from the US
California Dude with what can only be described as a bucket of alcohol

On Sunday, I decided to explore the city to her full potential. This involved covering around 12 miles on foot, a feat that now seems farfetched given my ballooning size. Places of interest that were visited including the BC Place Stadium and its museum. This arena will be used for the 2010 Winter Olympics, and was a fine arena. Outside, I also caught my first glimpse of Canadas homeless problems, as there were several beggars. Unfortunately, I broke with my usual stance of completely ignoring them, when one man told me he had no money for food, and only a week to live due to aids. Despite this misfortune, he had an expensive I-pod, was well groomed and was clearly on some form of mind enhancing drugs given by his happiness. The sheer lunacy of his story tempted me into given him a dollar, in exchange for the vital information of where the Vancouver Canucks would be playing there big Stanley Cup match in the evening. He directed me to the General Motors Place, but what can only be described as an Irish ticketing system where you had to buy two tickets saw me miss out on the game. After this disapointment, I became lost in Stanley Park attempting to find the beach, where I promptly fell asleep for two hours, which introduced sun burn into the mix of problems

The BC Place Stadium	This bridge would of proven to be a suitable suicide spot
Withdean-eqsue seats outside the BC Place	Inside the stadium
Is this what Robert Jones would look like with curly hair?	General Motors Place - home of the Vancouver Canucks
McCarthys sunburn

A pleasant nights sleep saw me out and about early Monday, when I headed to the Harbor Tower to take in an observation of the city from high above her. The views were fantastic, and also afforded me the chance to see my first stereotypical North American, who was, in a nutshell, huge. I then decided to visit some shops, where I was appalled to see that a Canadian soccerball jersey would set me back $100, around £50, so I promptly consoled myself by visiting the worlds first Steam Powered Clock, which was as exciting as it sounds. With the weather being fine still, I once again headed for the beach, where more sleep was taken in, before my first visit to the Indian-esque corner shop of Canada, a 7Eleven. Dinner was purchased here, and in the evening I got my first taste of hockey action, with the New Jersey Devils being defeated by the Ottawa Senators, and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed a sport where on-pitch violence is second behind scoring

The Harbor Tower	Looking south over Vancouver
North Vancouver, with Stanley Park visible	Looking down
North to the Rocky Mountains	McCarthy attempts to open the window
The first steam powered clock in the world	A tribute to Canadas new hero
This Esso disapointingly did not contain any chicken wraps	The ludicrously large Sub
Canada's version of Match of the Day - Hockey Night in Canada. Note the Andy Gray of hockey and his exuberant suit

Vancouver boasts one of North Americas premier marine attractions in its aquarium, so it would be rude not to investigate that. A bargain $15 saw me enter her, where I was treated to all manner of different animals. The favorites were the classic dolphins, and the beluga whales, huge, fat things that are completely white - much like myself. Indeed, if I were to pinpoint an animal I was most like, I would chose these fine creatures. A dolphin display was heightened by the amount of tricks they can pull off, something which your average domesticated pet is incapable of. Following the aquarium visit, in which I also met an intoxicated man who had decided to treat his daughter to a day out by shouting things at all the animals, I headed into Stanley Park itself. Originally thinking I should be weary of being knifed incase it was like its namesake in Liverpool, I was pleasantly surprised to see it wasn't. After visiting a set of totem poles, I headed for beaver lake, where there were no beavers of either the animal variety or the women variety. Becoming hopelessly lost in the park thanks to a detour saw me once again end up at the beach, where an embarrassing moment occured for one man as his dog ran into the womens toilet. My meal in the evening was a wrap, that yet again contained cheese - a tradition that seems to engulf every meal, and one which I thoroughly enjoy. With the hockey bug well and truly having bitten me, I enjoyed the Canucks v Anaheim Ducks on the television, which was only ruined by the appearance of an extremely drunk chap who insisted on shouting "c**t" at the tv every two minutes

A dolphin in the Aquarium	This snake was obviously a tribute to McCarthys genitalia
This Beluga whale was completely white	McCarthy in Stanley Park - with the skyscrapers of Vancouver the other side of the river
A set of totum poles in honor of the First Nations people	This bridge had some sort of record - however, it paled in companion to the mighty Humber Bridge

With my trip into the mountain wilderness ahead, I spent the previous day doing precisely nothing. A room change was necessary though due to a complete cock up in my booking, but this proved to be a blessing in disguise, as I met one of the most interesting chaps I have ever had the pleasure of talking to. He has set up his own political party, that is campaigning against the free masons who rule the world. His policies include releasing 2/3rds of prisoners back into society, getting rid of 2/3rds of judges, and splitting Canada into two countries by giving the French their independence. Most brilliantly of all, he claims that the government did not like his spreading the truth, and so the police chased him out of Ontario, and he is now on the run in British Columbia having left his wife and two kids behind. The man was either a complete lunatic, or was a political revolutionary, in which case I have shared a room with the next Oliver Cromwell. A bargain pizza establishment was discovered, where a horses-penis size of pizza could be bought for a bargain $1 each, which filled a gaping hole in my stomach nicely

Only in America	Three slices - $3. Bargain of the century
The next Oliver Cromwell, or just a sheer lunatic

Despite getting to the pick-up point for my bus trip into the mountains 5 minutes late, disaster was averted as the bus was not on time anyway. Our journey today would take us to our first overnight stop in Shuswap Lake, and see us venture into the Rocky Mountains. First port of call was Tim Horton's, the Canadian version of Costa Coffee, and here I had a chicken wrap. I would like to say enjoyed it, but unfortunately it was comparable to eating ones own bile. We stopped at Bridal Veil falls, a waterfall just north of Vancouver, hence named imaginatively as it looks like a brides veil. Lunch was taken in a small town high in the mountains, named Hope, which was built around the gold rush. It was in this small town that one of the distinguishing moments of my trip took place, as I discovered Gatorade. This fine substance is like Powerade in every way, except that it tastes far superior. After a long day of driving, we finally arrived, and the village instantly struck me as an interesting place. It appeared that instead of tobacco, nearly every resident was smoking weed, which was perfectly acceptable due to a lack of law enforcement in the mountain ranges, and the ridiculously liberal views that British Columbia takes on the substance. After checking into the hostel, I headed to the village pub, where an erection occured as Strongbow was on offer. The evening was spent debating cricket with Aussie Heath, and attempting to explain to our bus driver Nolan the ins and outs of why England are appalling at soccerball. The pubs big screen showed the Canucks get knocked out of the Stanley Cup by the Ducks, and after this we headed back to the hostel to enjoy the hot tub. It was here that I poured all my Dean Wilkins woes onto a poor Norwich fan called Matt, and he poured all his Peter Grant woes onto me in mutual bonding

McCarthy and Bridal Veil Falls	Gatorade - simply a fantastic substance
The hostel in Shuswap Lake	The pub, complete with big screen for the hockey

Another long drive today would see us head for Banff, the epicenter of the Banff National Park, deep in the mountains. Firstly, we visited the lake of Shuswap, which was rather beautiful, although unfortunately too cold for a swim. After stocking up on the Powerade, we stopped off at a Go-Kart track, where McCarthy showed his calibre as a young Jarno Truli by destroying everyone. This was put down to "the British driving mentality", which included one particularly fine maneuver when two Aussie guys fought for position, only to see McCarthy to shoot past on the inside. As we headed deeper into the mountains, so we began to encounter snow, and proper snow at that. A brisk walk saw a snowball fight break out, while we also saw several bear tracks. Our next stop was a natural bridge, where the fantastically blue water had eroded a path through a rock over thousands of years to leave a natural bridge. We saw several animals on the way, including mountain goats, deer and a coyote. As we neared Banff, so the scenery became more beautiful, with snow capped mountains and pine trees high above. We arrived at our destination, and I promptly lost my credit and debit cards, which luckily turned up at the reception desk. A huge dinner was consumed, as myself and Aussie Heath enjoyed a few beers and shared that banter that can only exist between a convict and their master. My opening week in Canada was rounded off with an appalling attempt to chat up one of the women in my room, which was made even more appalling by the fact she was French and appeared to have a boyfriend

Shuswap Lake	Another sign to greet Canada's new hero
Moments before the outbreak of a snowball fight	One of many delightful mountains

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