PREVIOUS YEARS ENTRIES FROM THE DIARY:

APRIL 2006

Wednesday 26/04/06

Children, I can confirm that the re-launch of McCarthys on-stage career this evening was a complete success. After an absence of nearly 2 years, I returned to entertain the masses with some of the comedy that has long since been banished since the Oakmeeds days. With my noble steeds James Moran and Elliot Gwynne, we wowed the audience at the Central Sussex College Talent Show

Wearing all white, McCarthy was introduced as the modern day Jesus Christ, and went onto chat with Moron, sorry, Moran about his views on such things as disabilities, pedophilia and being the son of God. Despite initial concerns about the content of the piece, the audience found it absolutely fantastic, and it received possibly the best response of any piece of McCarthy stage work has. After the jokes about babies and the war were out the way, it was time to spray water everywhere and exorcise Elliot Gwynne from his demon in true Exorcist style, complete with Tubular Bells. Finally, this illustrious trio sung "Close to You" by the Carpenters, before McCarthy and Gwynne removed items of clothing, leaving to rapturous applause. What this proves minions, is that despite people calling many of the jokes used sick, when bought together collectively, they find them rather humorous. Although controversial, the piece was one of sheer beauty, enjoyed by all present

So, apart from entertaining the masses, what else has been going on in the life of Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity. Will, Esso have yet again raped me, as the end of the month approaches and there is still only £2 in my bank. With petrol and a heavy weekend planned, the situation is looking as dire as that as a plane with no engine. It may time to appeal to the ultimate bank that is Tom McCarthy for some sort of loan, which will ultimately never be paid back

Friday could see another outing for McCarthy, Witham and select guests, this time to the Rose Bowl for Sussex v Hampshire. If it takes place, it is sure to be a day of fun and frolic

Now I am tired and clothed, so will retire to the Rainbow Room for a much needed slumber. Fare le well

Saturday 22/04/06

Well listeners, it has been a somewhat quiet few days for Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity. A large amount of driving has taken place, as McCarthy has taken over lift duties to Hassocks FC, and sometimes even college. Wednesday was a particularly eventful journey, as McCarthy and Oli Wright maneuvered their way out of college, myself asking Oliver if it was clear, to which he responded "yes", only for us to pull out and nearly get hit by a fellow motorist. We then proceeded to return to the Hill, and catch the train to the County Ground, to see Sussex v Warwickshire in the opening day of the Liverpool Victoria County Championship. With a large crate of Strongbow, it was an enjoyable, if not slightly cold afternoon. We also came up with a number of songs to hail new signings with, which are sure to debut on May 1st in the first Cheltenham and Gloucester Trophy game of the season

McCarthy also received somewhat of a shock call up today to the Hassocks Reserve team. With it having been sometime since the Minor Celebrities last involvement with the side, it will be nice to walk out at the Beacon with them today. Also, tomorrow another piece of silverware will be added to the McCarthy Towers trophy cabinet, when Hassocks Youth are presented with the league trophy. My medal for this will take pride of place alongside all those beauty contests I have won throughout the years, and replicas may even be made available in the McCarthy gift shop

Finally, I would like to end this entry with this image. It is early Monday morning after copious amounts of alcohol, and James Calver, the very same man who put all manner of kitchen ingredients in McCarthys hair, is seen doing something rather lude to his dog:

Tuesday 18/04/06

Children of McCarthy Industries, it has, yet again, been one of those weekends. There has been gambling aplenty at the poker table, and drinking was even more aplenty. 

Friday night was poker night at Doug Lanes house. Luckily, there was no money on the table, but it was, as always, an entertaining evening. Saturday night saw McCarthy and Lane pay a visit to a certain James Calvers party, were we limited drink and saw all manner of things occur. It was a classic case of 'parents away free house party', with holes appearing in walls, people being ill in all manner of places, and the sober ones, such as myself, laughing incessantly at the acts of the drunkards

Sunday was rather more of a quiet affair, as another night was spent at the Calver household, meaning McCarthy has spent more time there this weekend than at McCarthy Towers. This night became more of a traditional one, very heavy, and resulted in McCarthy falling asleep, only to have lard, banana and apple pieces put in his hair. The evening was rounded off when someone also decided to fill up McCarthy's blue trainers with washing up liquid - a rather amusing tale. This lead the walk home at 9am on Monday morning to be very annoying, as I traipsed through the Hill with only one shoe on

Monday was a day of disappointment, as Brighton's relegation was finally confirmed. Planned updates include Crocs on Tour, coverage of the Pizza Hut Challenge from last week, and a full report of McCarthy and Witham's day in London, when we were joined by Mr Mark Potter

I am now off to watch my recorded episode of Doctor Who from Saturday. Many people may think this is sad, but not only is it a rather good programme, but Billie Piper is in it, and she could ride on my Tardis any day

Sunday 09/04/06

Listeners, I create this message to offer my sincere condolences to one of the cornerstones of this diary. Yesterday, myself and Ian Simpson decided to spend the afternoon together before our big match for Hassocks in the evening against title-chasing East Grinstead United (which we would go onto win 1-0 incidentally). We therefore decided to pop down to the rugby club and see Dougie Lane in action. However, joy soon turned to confusion, as Doug took a particularly nasty fall, resulting in a cry of pain. It was clearly serious, as it takes a lot to make the big man scream out, and he was duly stretchered off and taken away to hospital in an ambulance. Confirmation today tells me that he has dislocated his knee, and may have suffered ligament damage which will require an operation. 

This is a massive blow, and following his broken neck earlier in the year, continues Dougies record of achieving pain-breaking injuries. It also means that McCarthy has lost his drinking partner for the foreseeable future, although knowing Mr Lane he will be back on the beer sooner rather than later. I am sure everyone who reads this diary and has been entertained by the commentaries that the bearded one provides will join me in wishing him a speedy recovery, and hope that he will soon be fit enough to go bush jumping and pull on the yellow shirt of the Hamsters

It has been a very lackluster few days since I passed my test in driving ability. There have been a few interesting moments, such as getting lost in Lewes on Thursday night, but apart from that and a few near-death experiences, it has been rather mellow. However, I was reminded when driving home from work on Wednesday exactly why we all used to love the Chap Mobile with such passion, as she stalled as I pulled away, then steamed up so I couldn't see. It bought back those many happy memories, of Peter struggling with her in Brighton all those years ago

The final week of half term comes up, and McCarthy has a large amount planned. Not only will himself and Witham be providing yet another adventure for the site, but there is the prospect of a Pizza Hut Challenge, and of course Easter itself! Exciting times ahead

Wednesday 05/04/06

Minions, I would like to apologise profoundly. For today, I have failed in one of my goals in life. Today, my mission has finished. When I first set foot on this earth, I set myself a number of simple targets to be achieved - many of these I have reached. But today, I blew one that I set a long while ago.

Many of you will know that Peter Chapman passed his driving test after 6 attempts. I set out to break this record, I felt I was good enough to do it. But alas, I have failed. Yes, today, on Wednesday 5th April I passed my test, having failed 0 times. Peter - you have beaten me. 

Anyway, the recent few weeks have been back to their alcohol fuelled best. Last Wednesday was one example of this - after going for a drive, McCarthy and Lane decided to pay a visit to the Weald for a quiet drink. Unfortunately, as is the case with these two illustrious characters, one quiet drink turned into 7 pints and 3 after shock. Understandable at the weekend, to be doing this on a Wednesday of all days was just plain daft. As is usually the case, another little COMMENTARY accompanied the event, as well as these pictures:

Dougie enjoys a drink	McCarthy enjoys a drink	One lot of aftershock
Second lot of aftershock	Dougie	McCarthy having fun

The weekend saw Crocs on Tour take part in another enjoyable trip, which will be on-line at some point if it is not now. Sunday night was a total shambles again, this time as the Hassocks FC youth team made their way out to celebrate winning the title. Beginning with a meal in the Asian Rose, McCarthy had again vowed not to get too drunk after a ridiculous Saturday night out with Ian Simpson and Dan Collin. However, once in the restaurant Spencer Slaughter decided to purchase everyone a sambuca. Unfortunately, two people did not want there's, so McCarthy downed 3 in a row. After the meal, it was off to Burgess Hills Minor Celebrities premier bar - Mooch. Here, we were given discounted shots, and ultimately a free bottle of champagne by Lee Saunders, one of the owners. It was magical. After taking two hours to get home, including finding a small trolley, which caused injury to many of the team as we took turns to ride it, 3 guests were given the honor of staying in McCarthy Towers - Logan Newington and Spencer were accommodated in the Drawing chamber, while Tom Green had the honor of sleeping on the Rainbow Room floor. Spencer then became the first male guest to throw up in the downstairs chambers of the house, leaving a nasty stain on the antique sofa. The evenings events - and those that will make up our title celebrations, will be able to be found in a new Hassocks FC section - coming soon!

These holiday weeks will be ones of quite nature, with very little happening, giving McCarthy time to relax and rewind ahead of a busy examination schedule. I would like to conclude this entry by congratulating Tom Walmsley, who also passed his driving test on Saturday, and apologising for the lack of April Fools activity this year, party due to the fact that McCarthy was out for both April 1st and March 31st

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