PREVIOUS YEARS ENTRIES FROM THE DIARY:

DECEMBER 2005

Thursday 29/12/05

Loyal listeners, the past two days have been simply marvelous. Along with Neil Kane and Andy Rumble, I have taken part and successfully completed the 36 hour drinkathon. Starting on Tuesday afternoon at 4pm, Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity took in the joys of 3 hours worth of cheap drinks in Mooch, before heading onto the Potters and the Top House respectively. It was an evening of full and frolic, and the journey back to McCarthy Towers took myself and Neil a good 75 minutes, mainly due to the fact he found great amusement in pushing a trolley around the skate park, while McCarthy laid down, looking up at the stars as snow fell around him - romantically we believe I even fell asleep at one point. In order to allow for maximum drinking on Wednesdays trip to see Luton v Brighton, both men did the valiant thing of making themselves sick to allow for added alcohol intake

With Kane staying at McCarthy Towers, we were able to re-commence drinking early Wednesday morning, meeting Andy in The Burrell Arms, Haywards Heath. We then journeyed to Luton on the train, along with Mark Potter, were drinking continued. By the time we returned to Sussex in the early hours of Thursday morning, having seen Brighton raped, Your Favourite Minor Celebrity had, we believe gone through somewhere between 15 and 20 pints, one large bottle of Smirnoff Ice and 5 different shots. It has been a 36 hours of pure endurance, and a warm up before New Years Eve

Today, McCarthy Towers has taken a step forward in the exercise and fitness regime. If I am to keep my Minor Celebrity body in perfect condition, then I have decided I need to invest in some exercise. It is therefore with great joy that I can report to you that the Towers is now completed with an exercise bike. This will be the perfect tonic for allowing all the women in Burgess Hill to ensure that they still have a Minor Celebrity who is well toned and perfectly built like myself. It is a dream come true

Tuesday 27/12/05

Yes comrades, Christmas is over and it has been one of fun and frolic. On Christmas Eve, McCarthy was joined by by Robert Jones and Peter Chapman in the Weald. Following last years tradition of going to Midnight Mass, we again did it this year, and enjoyed it thoroughly. The sermon was one of great interest, and we even got to have a brief chat with the vicar afterwards, who was by all means somewhat of a legend. The sermon was wonderful, as he preached that people seem to have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas - I believe I was one of those persons, given that I was intending to sell whatever I was given on e-nay. However, it is not about what we receive, but what we give, to show our love for others. Very true Vicar

Anyway, McCarthy was given socks as the majority of his gifts, which I was quite pleased with, seeing as they are practical. The other gifts mainly consisted of alcoholic beverages, which I have of course begun to devour. The best Christmas present of all though came yesterday, as Brighton beat QPR 1-0 at Withdean. It was a marvelous occasion

Today will be a day of interesting events, as Neil Kane of Crocs on Tour fame makes his maiden sleeping visit to McCarthy Towers. This is due to the fact that myself, himself and Mr Andy Rumble are going out tonight to get rather merry ahead of tomorrows trip to Luton in order to watch the mighty Albion. The next few days are set out to be one of sheer fantastic scenes

Saturday 24/12/05

It would appear that when I started stripping last night, I have lost my jumper. That is all

Saturday 24/12/05

Jesus wept! I am still drunk this morning after the events of last night. It was the Hassocks FC Christmas party, and obviously as star goalkeeper of the youth team, I felt it my duty, mission if you will, to go and get drunk. Taking £20, I thought this should easily be enough to get myself mildly intoxicated, alas, I had not taken into account the BARGAIN price of £1.70 FOR A PINT OF STRONGBOW! Needless to say, I took advantage of this offer, and it probably did not help that your favourite Minor Celebrity had had a few in the Top House first either. Anyway, I am reckoning on past drinking when I have reached the level I was at last night on the McCarthy Ale Scale, that I achieved around 10 pints - one of which was downed using Sid Lane's "double parking" rule of having to down the largest drink when you have two at the same time. This obviously made the journey home very interesting, as I was stranded in Hassocks - but before that happened, McCarthy performed the Doug Lane classic of removing not only his shirt when "I'm too sexy for my shirt" came on, but his trousers as well. Being drunk, I then could not get my shirt back on, so it was down to first team manager Dave John to assist with that, and he did a fine job. There was also one point when McCarthy hogged the limelight, break dancing on the dance floor, much to the amusement of everyone else when I got stuck on my back.

On leaving the ground, I promptly managed to fall into a bush, and get myself stuck. Luckily Matt Amos was there to remove me from the bush, and with him and Tom Coombes struggling to walk straight, I felt it my duty to "team up" with them in the traditional walking way of putting your arms round each other to enable a save walk. At least McCarthy thought it would be a save walk, until someone, whom I believe to be Dan Jacques, thought it would be funny to push us over. The walking technique, relying on each other to stand up, obviously went tits up, and we all fell over - straight into the busy A273, just after the Stone Pound Cross Roads. Luckily, it was about 1am, so there was no traffic, but with all of us struggling to get up, things could have been nasty. My skin was off my knee now, Coombesy ran on ahead with the rest of the team returning to Burgess Hill, and when myself and Amos reached the station, we saw a police car - oh yes, Luke Vick had been caught with, what I believe was his family jewels hanging out. The police were giving some sort of talking to him, James Watkin, Mike Goulden, Coombes, Ian Simpson, Ross Thornton and Dan Jacques. Pretending not to be with them, myself and Amos walked straight past towards the station. After waiting about 30 minutes for a taxi, in which time Watto managed to get onto the railway track and attempt to walk home following it, we eventually bundled into one with Luke, and promptly raped the driver by paying a ridiculously low fee by claiming we had no money. Once out of the taxi, Luke Vick decided to purchase a kebab for him and myself, which went down a treat as we began the walk home. Myself, Luke, Ross and Gouldy enjoyed the midnight stroll, until we found a trolley! Oh yes, it was time for McCarthy to ride it, but unfortunately I did not get far down Park Road as it crashed, toppling me into the road, which is when I believe I achieved an incredibly large bruise on my arm. We then said our goodbyes, and myself and Luke wandered home. All in all, one of the best nights that McCarthy has had in a long long time

With Christmas eve here, it is time for McCarthy to wish all you fans out there a very Merry Christmas. May Santa bring you what you want, and may you enjoy it when he comes down your chimney and empties his sack. And a few shout outs - Kev the Ape Ticehurst - happy birthday. And to Ross and Luke - enjoy Australia, and see you in 11 weeks time

Merry Christmas one and all!

Wednesday 21/12/05

I can feel my father in me - not in that way sick minded people at the back, but in the fact I am ready to launch into a torrent of moan at any minute. And why - Christmas bloody shopping. Ok, it may have begun when I was having the McCarthy hair piece altered and may of inadvertently asked for a blow job rather than a blow dry, but things just seem to be going wrong

Take today for instance - trying to find Christmas presents for Ali and Tommy Mac, and some much needed whiskey for myself. I trudge round Burgess Hill looking for it, and well bugger me, I cannot find any Jack Daniels anywhere, and the presents I want to purchase the parents would involve me paying out the sort of prices that a Soho prostitute will go all night for. Then there was the ques - everywhere was absolutely packed with total freaks buying total rubbish. All this Minor Celebrity wanted was some whiskey and TWO Christmas presents, yet he was forced to que with all the everyday scum off the streets buying their brother-in-laws brothers presents. The result of all this - I end up trudging around the shops for absolutely ages, and all of the sudden I have the urge. Ever had that feeling with someone with a really annoying laugh or voice is really loud, and you just want to insert something into them, like a broom handle? It seemed to me today that every person I met was like that. This lead me to have a vision of myself carrying large piece of weaponry, preferably some sort of sub machine gun, and opening fire on everyone Rambo style. Am I sick in the brain for wanting to kill innocent people? No, I am just your average Christmas shopper. The only good part of the day was realising after about 10 minutes that two girls, one who was rather fit and one who, for some bizarre reason, reminded McCarthy vaguely of a skunk, were actually following me, into literally every shop I went. Hoping that the skunk-like one was not after Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity, I went into KFC, where I hoped to be able to talk to them into the que. However, they must have seen James Watkin behind the till and ran, as I failed to work the Minor Celebrity charm in the que as they had gone

The hunt for presents continues tomorrow, when I hope to have my Chief Advisor alongside me to try and sooth these violent urges and tendencies I am having. Best advice for you Burgess Hill locals - stay clear of the town centre if you value your life's

Tuesday 20/12/05

Hello listeners, I am pleased to report that, at long last, McCarthy Towers is decorated for the festive season. After several hours of hard work this morning by the staff, she is looking ready to celebrate the second most important birth of the year. With the decorations also comes a change in mood for McCarthy, as he now finally feels that Christmas spirit that has long been deprived of him

I issued an ultimatum to Mark McGhee in this diary on Thursday, and he obviously knew that with the happiness of a Minor Celebrity depending on his teams performance, he had to get it right. The result - a Brighton victory, 2-1 over Hull. So thank you Mr McGhee, and a similar result boxing day would be lovely as well

Saturday I joined up with Sailor for a drinking session in order to celebrate his acceptance into the Navy, or RAF as he tells it. Needless to say, the poor boy was totally sloshed and it meant that it was down to McCarthy to sober him up - chips from Charcoal Grill obviously doing the job. Sunday was a day that I enjoyed thoroughly, as Peter Chapman kindly sat in with McCarthy for a lovely drive. It was a day full of scenes that could only be dubbed as marvelous. The Car formally known as the Chap Mobile was in fine form, and we hit a speed record with McCarthy at the wheel, as she hit the dizzy heights of 80mph around the Cuckfield bypass. Obviously if Peter was a responsible supervisor, he would of obviously done his utmost to prevent this happening, but he encouraged it with a wry snigger in the passenger seat. Then, parked outside the Lloyd Estate, McCarthy could not be bothered to do a turn in the road as it was full of traffic and other such obstacles. Given the lack of power steering in the car, it would have been particularly difficult, so he instead mounted the pavement, drove onto the grass, around a lamppost and back onto the road. It was a piece of skill straight out of the 'flair' drivers manual

Yesterday I journeyed to Brighton with college friends Jake Vickers and Joe Sturgess. It was a wonderful day full of fun and frolics, in which I purchased some rather splendid items. However, it also got me thinking about Christmas presents, and what to buy people - which to most is shock horror given there is 5 days to go, but to McCarthy this is early planning, especially given the Christmas Eve events of 2002, when he was getting presents at 1700 hours, with only 7 hours till Christmas Day officially began. The question going through the mind was what to get the girl that regular readers of the diary will know I am currently tracking. I thought about the traditional presents that people would get someone they want to show affection for - jewelry, chocolates, flowers, those sorts of things. But then I pondered, these have no practical use. Surely, the best way to show you care for someone is to give them something that has a practical use, as it shows how much you value their life. I have, therefore, come up with a list of items that I will investigate purchasing for the said girl, that I feel, will sure my true care towards her:

• Fire Extinguisher: This would show that she is important to me, as I would be buying her an item that would extinguish what could prove to be a life-threatening fire. These are also not cheap, and have records of lasting for a long time. The perfect present perhaps?

• Burglar Alarm: There is no point in buying flash jewelry if it is just going to get stolen in a burglary. Ensure that she, along with her possessions, is safe, with a burglar alarm. Also not cheap, but a practical device that would in the long run prove to be a sound investment

• Security Light: Easy to install with an IR sensor, the security light bursts into light whenever it senses movement within its IR range. Helpful in identifying when an intruder is around, or when someone is coming to the door, these are relatively cheap if you know the right people, thoughtful and easy to install

• Fire Alarm: The alternative to the fire extinguisher, this item will alert you to any burning within the house. A handy device to prevent fires, throw in a few AA Batteries that will power it, and she has another potential life saving device. 

• Compass: Imagine if she gets lost in the woods? The only way to know where you are going is a compass. A relatively cheap, yet thoughtful option, this would ensure that she would never get lost. Unless she doesn't know which way she lives

• Fire Guard: When drunk, many people have fallen over. Surely there is nothing worse than falling into an open log fire? I can imagine a few things, but not many. Therefore, this practical device will make sure that she does not burn herself by falling into the fire

• Guide Dog: What would happen if she was to suddenly turn blind? This item could start out as a household pet, but then when needed, be used as a companion for life as a guide. A present that covers too corners

• Hearing Aid: Same as above, except the part about household pet

• Contact Lenses: Same as above

• Nuclear Bunker: The crème de la crème. Surely there is no better way to show how much she means than by ensuring that she would be save in a nuclear war? And a nuclear bunker would do exactly that. If I want to spend the rest of my life with her, then it is the most practical to ensure that, no matter what happens, that will always happen

I am sure you will agree that most girls would kill to have anything from that list, and that is where the trouble is going to come, in choosing which one to purchase. However, seeing as the present will be coming from a Minor Celebrity, she will be knocked over by whatever it is. Not literally obviously, metaphorically knocked over. 

Thursday 15/12/05

Minions, I had planned to do this at the end of the month, but feeling in a particularly morbid mood today, I have decided to do so today. 2005 - it has been a rather poor year by McCarthys standards to be honest. Possibly the worst day of Your Favourite Minor Celebrities life took place this year, when our dear beloved Tom McCarthy suffered a heart attack. I feel this has summed up the year in reality - things have gone rather badly. Whether it was losing a mobile phone in March, or losing my wallet, as has happened today, McCarthy has been on a run of luck this year comparable to Robert Jones. I cannot remember the last time I felt happy watching the Albion, and I believe this is what it comes down to - the poor form. It probably is sad and pathetic how a football club can affect your life, but I feel this is true. In 2005, we have played like a pack of rapists in a prison ward, and this has gone hand-in-hand with my feelings towards the year

Obviously there have been some good spots, mainly focusing around my closest friends, whom have stayed loyal again this year. So for that I thank you. However, as I near the end of sixth form education, I begin to tire and wander of the track of life. Problems - namely with women - are coming into play now. As Christmas approaches, I feel like Jesus on Good Friday, except I am not going to die a painful painful death at the hands of my own people and the Romans. At least that is a bonus

I know there are only two things that are going to cheer me up - one is hearing from the lovely lady, and the other is a Brighton win at home to Hull tomorrow night. I know that one of those things is about as likely as Gandhi walking into the office naked, and saying "Come on McCarthy, lets get naked", while the other is so remote I cannot think of an analogy that will do it justice. All that remains to be said is that, realistically, the happiness of Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity lies in one mans hands - your boys better perform tomorrow night Mr McGhee

Monday 12/12/05

Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, it turns out they can! One complication leads to another for your favourite Minor Celebrity, and when you think things are on the up they then are destroyed like houses in the Tsunami. If anyone wants to offer their services to McCarthy, they are more than welcome, as he will require a chauffeur to a destination tomorrow, and he is willing to pay an entrance fee to see a performance for that drive. More information available from McCarthy Towers. All applicants will be considered - and probably hired. This need for someone to drive is due to Tom McCarthy having a small operation on Thursday, which means he is unable to drive for 5 days, something that is most inconvenient given the Christmas boom period in bookings for my services

Thursday saw a trip to Oakmeeds, as the Pete Wilmore Appreciation Society was back at the quiz for a second year, this time comprising of McCarthy, Peter Chapman, Bert Lloyd, Chris Traylen and Doug Lane. We came in a healthy 8th position, just outside of European qualification, and with the bargain price of £1 for a bottle of Stella, needless to say that myself, Bert and Doug took this offer up and devoured several

 A Friday night of epic proportions saw McCarthy joined by college peer and Diamonds manager Oli Wright for a night of drink, drink and drink. Over the course of the evening we met many different McCarthy fans, as we traveled to several of the bars and pubs that the Hill of Burgess has to offer. Throughout the evening, most things that could go wrong went wrong, and the fact that McCarthy was rather drunk left him in a state come Saturday - or though not as bad as Oliver, who was seen during the night to be violently sick everywhere, attempt to make love to a bus stop and then ride a trolley for a large portion of Lower Church Road. It was an interesting time to say the least

Saturday saw McCarthy travel to Reading, where Brighton were raped orally in losing 5-1. Crocs on Tour is of course on-line with the pictures, videos and review of a day out in Royal Berkshire - one in which McCarthy and Kane managed to get mildly drunk in. I also gave the nation the honor of hearing my famous and seductive voice, when I appeared on Talk Sports fans phone-in, which you can listen to HERE - this audio footage is thanks to Peter Chapman!

Anyway, I am sure McCarthy will have perked up slightly in a couple of days time, with the promise of no more college for the Christmas break, he is sure to. The new site is also coming along well, which is always a bonus. Comme Ci Comme Ca Amigos!

Sunday 04/12/05

The festive season is here, and with it comes the celebration of Jesus birth - a birth comparable only to that of Scott McCarthy Day. It has been a busy few weeks at McCarthy Towers - coursework has been done, football matches every weekend, a video to create and a site to re-design

The good news is that the new-look contents page is now virtually completed, and will be uploaded early in the new year. The video is done and is on-line now, so remember to have a look at her. The bad news is that my finger has been confirmed as broken. Oh yes, after being swollen for 4 weeks, it is conclusive - McCarthy can add broken finger to his long list of injuries. However, he continues to play with her, and will be doing so tomorrow night - so here is the plug - 7.30pm kick off, the Beacon, Hassocks.

Few problems have been bought up with alcohol this weekend, and I have decided I drink too much. My lifestyle may need changing - no more drinking, and cutting down on the junk and fast food I eat. Otherwise fans, I fear I may lose my perfectly toned body. Along with this more problems have arisen, and questions need to be asked. They can only be asked by one person, and answered by another, and I am hoping that I can do as a good a job in asking them as Jeremy Paxman does. We shall see though minions

HOME