PREVIOUS YEARS ENTRIES FROM THE DIARY:

JANUARY 2006

Thursday 26/01/06

Well subordinates, it is with delight that I am able to announce to you that McCarthy is joining the world of the working class. Yes, the rumors are true, any mere mortals wishing to fill up their vehicles with petroleum in Haywards Heath could well be charged by Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity. For Scott McCarthy begins work on Monday at the Esso garage in Haywards Heath. Following an interview today, which was obviously a breeze for someone as popular and well loved as myself, I have been offered the position. It is a vital date in the lifeline of myself, and an honor that many companies have battled it out for - the honor of taking on McCarthy as an employee

The reason for going to work is clear - I had achieved my simple goal that I set out when all of my peers started getting jobs. That was simply to be unemployed for longer than all of them. And with Robert Jones starting work shortly after Christmas, it meant I had done it. So now, I can go into employment knowing full well that I have outdone everyone in the unemployment stakes. Something that I am extremely delighted about

Meanwhile, a cloud of mystery surrounds McCarthy Towers tonight. Could it be that Tom McCarthy has a mistress? Oh yes, he has recently been receiving texts from a young lady called Lauren. She appears to be a teenager, who is insistent on texting him, sometimes even ringing up. This has lead to much amusement from the McCarthy family, as he continues to get frustrated at not knowing who she is or why she is contacting him, and it has lead to much blue language in the air of the Towers. My suspicions remain the same though - he has found himself a young 'bit on the side'. His views can be found out on Toms Moan. Meanwhile, further investigations will be carried out and I will report back with my findings

Sunday 22/01/06

Yes minions, I come to you in a time of great excitement. The Hamsters were held by the Diamonds 5-5 I believe it was on Friday night in a pulsating game of football that had the Hamsters Cage on its toes till the final whistle. Well done to all involved.

Saturday was a day of mixed fortunes for McCarthy. Firstly came the phone call at 9.30am from Hassocks manager Dave John, asking if I was available to be part of the first team squad for the home match with Crowborough, which would have entailed me going along on the subs bench. Unfortunately when I received this call, I was already halfway to Sheffield to see Sheffield United rape Brighton. The full days review is available on Crocs on Tour. Highlights include Andy Rumble attempting to pick up Neil Kane and throw him over the counter in Burger King, only to create a complete disaster by smashing his bottle of Smirnoff Ice everywhere. Quite what he intended to achieve is unknown. Other highlights where silencing a whole pub when Rumble shouted "NOOOOOO" at the top of his voice after losing on the quiz machine, Neil Kane missing the M25 junction again, and then getting asked if we had been driving round the car park at Sainsburys by a security guard. Neil's witty answer to this absurd question was "No, we picked up the car and carried it in". He also managed to get completely stuck when attempting a 3 point turn in a car park.

After the game, McCarthy was the first caller on Southern Counties Radio to share his thoughts with Ian Hart after the sides poor performance in losing 3-0. Before he went on, Andy decided to ask for the Crawley score, when finding out they had lost he announced "bollocks" to the whole of Sussex. While McCarthy was on, you can faintly hear Kane shout "Rape" at one point, while their are also several car horns going in the background after the complete confusion of exiting Sheffield. Here is McCarthy on the Radio

McCarthy has now been accepted into Leeds, Brighton and Teeside Universities, with an interview to go at Stoke and a request to send of a portfolio of work from Gloucester. All these places are fighting it out to have Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity as one of their students, and quite who the honor will go to yet is unknown

Thursday 19/01/06

Gentleman and ladies, it has at last arrived! Parting with a hard-earned and well treasured £20, Scott McCarthy today purchased his Bluetooth connector. The first piece to benefit from this piece of equipment is the Jones Chronicles. Neglected for 6 months, McCarthy now feels that they will become revitalised. There is only so much justice that words can do Robert Jones. For  the rest, you need audio and visual statistics. And that is what this piece of equipment will enable

McCarthy would like to offer his sincere apologise to the young person at college today that he took out with a trolley used for transporting chairs. You see, Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity thought it would be humorous to get on a chair on this large trolley, and skate around the lecture theatre on it. He did not bargain on a young lady by the name of Charlie grabbing it, and swinging him round viciously, so much so that he nearly took out James Moran. Luckily, the disgraced President was missed, but unluckily, another student was taken out, much to everyone's concern. Bar McCarthy and the young lady culprit, who seemed to take great pleasure in this poor mans pain

Tomorrow sees the Hamsters take on the Diamonds at the triangle, so it would be nice to see some fans there supporting the Mac Industries boys, and then joining the heroes in the players lounge for a drink after the game

The new Bluetooth connector also means that the diary can become littered with audio files. Here are two for your consumption, both explained in their own rights below

• Bush Jumping - the fine events that were reported in this diary of when McCarthy and Doug Lane went bush jumping after one of this sordid drunken evenings. Here is the audio, as they tested the strength and resolve of the bush on the roundabout were Sussex Way, West Street and Royal George Road meet

• Skate Park - A magical night in December, as the snow falls on Burgess Hill skate park. McCarthy finds out what a non-Burgess Hillian in Neil Kane makes of this town in the scenic Christmas weather

Wednesday 18/01/06

The McCarthy Towers computer system is being raped. It appears she is invested with more viruses than a Soho hooker. BT  had attempted to block my account due to the sheer number of hazardous and random emails it had been sending out. McCarthy is now devoting all attention to performing life-saving surgery to the system. I feel like Dr Harold Shipman, with the one small difference that I am not going to kill my PC for insurance purposes. Although my money information may mean that that is quite a tempting idea....

I am attempting to rectify the situation. So please excuse the lack of updates 

Sunday 15/01/06

Second entry of the day, just to direct you towards what can only be described as a classic piece of video footage. This video shows the goals from the Brighton v Leeds game on Saturday, the Albion winning 2-1. It is not the goals that are classic though, it is the incidents surrounding the Leeds penalty. Firstly, watch Michel Kuipers reaction when it is given (that is the Brighton keeper, otherwise known as the man in grey and pink), then, when it is scored, listen to the reaction of one of the angry Brighton fans. It is splendid! Click here to see it 

Sunday 15/01/06

I am beginning to think someone doesn't like me. It seems that every possible thing that could prevent me from purchasing the piece of equipment that will drive McCarthy Industries on - my Bluetooth PC Connector - has happened. Firstly, it took a ridiculously long time for the money I was intending to purchase it with to clear in my bank, as it was in the form of a cheque. Then, when I could finally withdraw the money, it turns out that the shop from which McCarthy was intending to buy it has, infact, run out of the sodding things. Fear not though minions, I will be investigating there availability tomorrow

As for the past week, it has been one of a shivy nature, in which very little has happened. The highlight would be Friday nights events, when McCarthy was joined by fellow Minor Celebrity Peter Chapman, Bert Lloyd, Robert James Jones Junior, and Daniel Collin for a meal in Haywards Heath. It was a wonderful event, in which possibly the funniest event of the year occurred - the loudest and most violent sneeze I have ever had the pleasure of hearing. It was so loud it could well have caused a small seismic wave in Ukraine. Myself and Daniel found this most funny, and were constantly laughing for well over 5 minutes about it. After thinking we were laughing at him, and not being able to work out what the hell was going on, Jones finally twigged what had happened. This in turn, set him off, which further heightened our laughing. The more we laughed, the more Jones laughed, and the more Jones laughed the more we laughed. It was a vicious circle. Peter and Bert, being the sensible ones in the group, did there best to control the 3 children, but it was to no avail, as the laughing just heightened with their frantic attempts to hush us up. And, luckily for your listeners, McCarthy has the audio for you right here. Thanks to Chapman and his mini disc recorder, which, at the time we were using to attempt to record Jones saying something stupid or squeaking, we captured the sneeze. I have decided to overwhelm you chiefs with not one, not two, but three pieces of audio. And here they are:

• The Sneeze - the fine moment itself. Listen carefully, although it should prove to be impossible to miss

• The Laughter - They say laughter is infectious. Well, if you need a laugh listen to this one, as McCarthy, Collin and Jones struggle to contain themselves

• Daddy Chapman - Peter attempts to get McCarthy under control

Finally, I would like to conclude this entry with two shout outs. Firstly, to the DJ at the rugby club party last night who came up to me and said "Mr McCarthy, I would consider it an honor to buy you a drink", and then proceeded to purchase myself a double JD and coke - thank you, and I apologise for not having a clue who you were. And finally, to Mr Ian Simpson - happy 18th birthday for yesterday, and may the best present of all be given next Friday, with a Hamsters victory over the Diamonds. Presuming you can play!

Sunday 08/01/06

Well chiefs, McCarthy has had a busy few days. Friday night, myself and Dougie Lane teamed up for the first time this year to enjoy one of our drinking sessions. Needless to say, it was heavier than Anne Widicombe. The night was spent in Mooch, and after many pints, McCarthy was delighted to end the evening drinking with none other than Yuppie Tea Man. Yes, the man that I have known now for 18 months, yet do still not know his name, so refer to him via his profession, of selling espresso teas at the station to yuppies, such as myself. 

The evening went superbly, and I would fully recommend anyone who is visiting Mooch in the next few weeks to try out one of their After 8 Mint Shots - they are the bees knees. I have always thought that is a queer saying, do bees actually have knees, as I would not think that they do. Anyway, by the end of the evening myself and Doug were wasted, and enjoyed a long walk home, which included some bush jumping. For you uneducated people at there, bush jumping is not some sort of sick sexual pastime, but it is a ronseal - exactly what it says on the tin - you just jump into bushes. It may seem, to the sober ones of you, a stupid and irresponsible thing to do, but when drunk, falling over is always fun and painless, so jumping into bushes is the way forward. The crème de la crème of this session was the big bush in the middle of the roundabout at the end of Royal George Road, as we spent many happy minutes diving around in there. After this session, I was given the honor of staying at the Lane Residence. In the morning, I decided to phone Dougie, and his first question was "Are you in my lounge?". McCarthy found this rather amusing. We then headed into town, and purchased a lovely Full English breakfast from Truffles, which was rather discounted thanks to Emily Benyon working there

After this, I believe we were still drunk, and bizarrely bought some seeds from Wilko, which we planted in St Johns. Who knows, maybe one day some flowers will sprout from our seeds. McCarthy then had a football game to play, which he was still mildly drunk for. Hassocks III drawing 1-1 with Newick. Saturday evening was spent relaxing at a friends house, where we enjoyed a few movies and a couple of glasses of wine and port. It was a wonderful night

This morning, Hassocks Youth beat Crawley Down 2-1 to continue their unbeaten league run, as we are still yet to lose in the league this season. Tomorrow, McCarthy hopes to purchase a piece of equipment that I will enable McCarthy Industries to bring to you many classic pieces of audio. Your Favourite Minor Celebrity has a number of audio clips from evenings out on his phone, which with a Bluetooth PC connector, he will be able to upload to the McCarthy Towers computer system, and thus put them on-line. Whether this is purchased tomorrow will depend on whether McCarthy decides to venture into town after his day of education

To conclude this entry on the 8th day of the 2006th year of our lord, I would like to offer my congratulations to Mr Andrew Lee of Lindfield, who has been successful in gaining entry to Cambridge University. May you achieve all you want there Andy, and do not change from the complete geek that we all know and love

Friday 06/01/06

Yo blood, McCarthy has a message. Any young ladies out there interested in a Chinese meal, with potential purchase of pornographic DVD are asked to contact Scott McCarthy urgently. If you are free and single and would be interested in going out for a meal with McCarthy, this is your chance! Nothing will come of it, but it will give you the opportunity to star in a new website feature. What I mean is nothing will come of it unless you impress Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity enough. I am not expecting a big response to this as most women hate being put on this site, but if you would like to dine with McCarthy, you will not get a better chance! Contact him via e-mail, at snowmanscott@hotmail.com 

Anyway, with regards to updates, the Fashion Guide is underway, so do not worry minions, soon you will be able to dress like the master. With regards to other updates, I have a new section to put on-line but that will depend on when I can be bothered to do so, as this weekend looks like one of courseworking priorities

This past week of college has been as full of as excitement as a week in a concentration camp. The highlight has been the traditional Friday afternoon activity of McCarthy and Oliver Wright drinking in the Burrell Arms. Apart from that, McCarthy has had a quiet one involving very little nudity. Shame really

Sunday 01/01/06

What is down homies. Welcome to another year in the history of the world, and with it comes the launching of a new look contents page. I hope that you like the changes, and if you do not then please go away and try a bungee jump. Without the bungee bit. Anyway, last night McCarthy saw in the new year in style. I ended up at Robert Jones house, where needless to say I got absolutely raped. The disappointing thing for me was that I was only sick on two occasions - this represents something of a poor effort on the part of Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity. I posed for many photos over the course of the night, and have offered to sign them at a later date

What I was shocked by at this event was the state of some of the fellow guests. One young lad, I am told, attempted to ring an ambulance for himself. Over the course of the evening McCarthy was also seen carrying out his tag of Nelson Mandela of Burgess Hill, as he helped two young girls who were rather drunk, by carrying them and fetching water. However, he would like to categorically deny that he took advantage of them, as that would be immoral. High points of the evening, apart from being blindingly drunk, was wandering outside at new year, and who should I see outside of the house - it was only William Fell and Sailor himself. Both were enjoying a party at Williams, and then the Fell family set off some fireworks, obviously to celebrate the fact that Scott McCarthy was in the neighborhood

Today has been one of interest - I cannot work out if I am still drunk, and my fetish for Halls Soothers looks like it has been overtaken by something else - I am becoming addicted, reliant if you will, on Blue Powerade. Just cannot get enough of the stuff. Wanting to do something fun and interesting to celebrate the passing into 2006, Jones, McCarthy, Dan Collin, Bert Lloyd and Doug Lane all crammed into the Jones Mobile, and went to Devils Dyke. We enjoyed an hour or so of strolling around one of Sussex's finest pieces of countryside with fellow walkers. Jones was prepared, he had his hiking boots, the rest where not - and this lead to much trouble in getting up the dyke, and around the dyke. McCarthy was the only one that fell over, and things turned particularly difficult at one point. With the rest of this illustrious group up the top of one side, McCarthy and Lane following, suddenly, disaster struck. Dougies groin went. He was incapable of moving, as we stood on the side of the hill. Eventually we got going though, and this fine walk was rounded off with an ice cream and a telescope at the top of the hill, which even provided running commentary over the sights! Splendid

And finally ladies and gentlemen - after being sick all over my clothes last night at one, it was clear that your favourite Minor Celebrity would need to change. Step forward Jamie Jones - he offered McCarthy a choice of shirts from the wardrobe, and their was only one that could do someone of my slender physique justice - oh yes, it was time to bust out the famous cow shirt! It was worn all night, and I am still in it now. To quote Mr Simon Pottern, "What is that, that is a bloody awful shirt". The man, quite clearly, has no fashion sense. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you - THE COW SHIRT:

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