PREVIOUS YEARS ENTRIES FROM THE DIARY:

MAY 2007

Well listeners, in the last week all manner of shenanigans have taken place. Since last Saturday, I have in theory achieved very little for the amount of things there are to do here. However, it has been a schedule that has seen Toronto's Minor Celebrity knackered beyond believe. Monday saw my first real drinking session in the country, as I visited the Irish bar that does Magners on tap, and devoured several pints - the first of which took around one minute to drink such was my desire for the apples. The evening saw my visit to the a fireworks display, having successfully hankered for an invite with two fine young Swiss girls that I managed to befriend, this duly went a bit wrong when by stomach problems, bought on my a suspected undercooked sausage, ensured I missed our departure. This saw me attempting to get to the display myself, only for the Asian taxi driver to take me to one about 5 miles away from the accommodation. With no money left, no idea where I was and darkness descending, this left me my first major situation. However, my intuition and survival instincts instantly kicked in. I pondered to myself, when lost at sea, you follow the stars. I began searching for the North Star, which proved quite hard as I realised just how many of the things there are. Then I saw a flashing light - was it a plane, was it God's way of showing his favourite son where to head - no, it was the top of the CN Tower. Knowing if I headed towards the worlds tallest free standing building I would be near my accommodation, that is what I did - and around 100 minutes later I was safely tucked up in bed

Tuesday saw me scale the Tower, where the views I was afforded were delightful. However, a netting on the outside observation deck prevented the classic "drop the 2p from great height onto someone's head to kill them" game, which was the only disappointing thing about the experience. Supplied is a picture of me on the famous glass floor.


On Wednesday I witnessed the Champions League Final, once again in the Irish bar, and was delighted that my fellow soccer ball fans agreed that Peter Crouch's lack of action was a crime to humanity. Afterwards, it was back to the BMO Field for Toronto v Benfica. Here I met a charming fan and his wife, and I have been invited to play 6-a-side next week, which should be excellent fun. The game finished 0-0, and by the end of the evening I had also made friends with a group of French students, despite my lack of knowledge of their Froggy language.

Friday saw a visit to the National Hockey Museum, where I had my picture taken with the Stanley Cup. This is the trophy awarded to the overall NHL Champions at the end of the season, and from the hype of the current end-of-season play-offs I can only suggest its importance in this nation is similar to the Premiership, the FA Cup and the Champions League rolled into one. Obviously having only just gotten into the swing of hockey, I cannot appreciate the magnitude of touching this trophy - but the fact that some grown man were virtually in tears at the mere sight of it tells its own story

Monday sees me attend WWE Raw at the Air Canada Centre, and the week also includes a visit to the local brewery, a look around the Sky Dome and with any look a baseball game between the Toronto Blue Jays and the New York Yankees, before next Friday sees me move onto pastures new in the form of French Canada and Niagara.

Saturday 19/05/07

When I return to England, I will allow anyone who hears me moan about the British rail system to punch me in the face. Having now experienced the Canadian system, I can safely say it is medieval in comparison, and makes the likes of Southern and First Capital Connect seem Nazi-like for their efficiency. Obviously, the three-day trip was always going to be a bit of a nightmare, but the fact that the train ended up running three hours late really did take the biscuit. This could of been easily avoided if it didn't stop for seemingly no reason every now and again, and if it actually got above 30mph, which I believe it did on around 5 occasions. Throw in an annoying child who you just wanted to strangle, and three days in the same clothes and you can imagine by the end of it all was a result not too dissimilar to wanting to go on a gun rampage

My second experience came today, when the train I wished to catch back from the "soccer ball" match I witnessed was running around an hour late, meaning we were stood around on a platform for nearly two hours after the game. This was made enjoyable by the Toronto "hooligans". You can tell "soccer ball" is only just taking off in Canada, as there attempts to create a hostile situation was pathetic. One fat man shouting obscenities across the platform, a chap, who not surprisingly was of black dissent, squaring up to everyone on his platform and one other man shouting abuse ingeniously through the medium of a cone. Having experienced the likes of Cardiff, Millwall and Leeds this was a walk in the park, and at times a laughable experience

The game itself was most enjoyable. On my entry to the stadium, I was amazed at the relaxed drinking situation. One end was purely dedicated to Carlsberg, with a mass of beer "concessions" and a set of pub-esque tables in front of the goal. This would of been heaven if it wasn't for the ridiculous prices. Other "concessions" on the stadium concourses including the usual hotdogs, popcorn and beer, along with several Subway counters, sushi and unbelievably a Greek hog roast. Disappointingly, there were no betting facilities in site

The game itself was what I would describe as typically American. Both the Canadian and American national anthems were sung before the game, in front of the flags as if it were an international. Every time a free-kick or corner was given, the whole stadium would not cheer, but either shout "yeah" or "woooo", even if there was no danger of a goal ever being scored. Every booking was greeted with the announcement "A caution has just been issued to...." Every time something remotely good happened, people would stand up and shout "nice" or "good one". Perhaps best of all though were the attempts to unsettle the referee, who did have a shocker, with the offensive chant of "you suck". The game itself was also typically American, nobody seemed to want to tackle, and every time contact was made and a player went to ground a foul was given, much to everyone's delight. This of course made the pace slow, and meant stopping every five minutes, when both teams looked good playing attacking football. It was, however, an enjoyable experience and one I am hoping to repeat on Wednesday with the visit of Benfica for a friendly

In other news, Toronto's Favourite Minor Celebrity will be attending WWE Raw on Monday 28th, and visits the tallest free standing building in the world at some point, the CN Tower. Most delightful of all however, and arguably the highlight of the trip has been the discovery of an Irish pub that sells Magners on tap. This will be frequented for the Champions League Final, and no doubt on many other occasions during my 2-week visit to this fine city.

Monday 14/05/07

Well listeners, in the last 10 days since my entry I have completed my tour of the mountains. I have climbed through an ice field, which rather unfortunately saw McCarthy's shoe become stuck in a drift around 15 feet deep. Luckily, the shoe only sank in around 4 foot, but after a rescue mission that I can only compare to that of a terrorist attack, the missing shoe was found alive and well, and the Columbia Ice fields Favourite Minor Celebrity was soon reunited with it after a painstaking 10 minutes, during which his hands turned blue. A rather exciting experience I am sure you will agree

Several bears have been seen on the journey thus far, although disappointingly the opportunity to wrestle the said animals has been somewhat lacking. I also met my first English fan on the trip, a young girl by the name of Carly who unfortunately did not join in the evenings clubbing festivities in Banff. She did however reveal that she is going to Loughborough University, and quite ironically taking what could be the same course of the fat, homesick one Dan Collin

I have also completed my maiden sky dive, which saw McCarthy unfortunately manage to trip out of the plane as opposed to diving out. However, this was still good fun, and any threats to my life were extinguished immediately. Kokanee is fast taking over as the drink of choice on the trip, but it still pales into comparison to the taste and quality of a pint of Bulmers - something I am yearning for ever so much. Unfortunately my record of doing England proud has taken a blip, as I took a severe beaten to a newfound friend in a snowball fight. What made this particularly devastating was that he was an Australian, but in my defence, as if I need one, he probably weighed the same as a young elephant

Having returned to Vancouver successfully, I have also visited ski resort Whistler. This was, however, a pointless trip as the majority of ski places are now shut, and due to a cock up of monumental proportions a bungee jump was unavailable to me. Tomorrow I begin a painstaking three day train journey across the country to Toronto, where on Saturday I will take in Toronto FC v DC United, who I believe have "the next Pele", Freddy Adu among their ranks. This is indeed an exciting time

I leave all you listeners with one final message, and that is to urge all of you to vote for Burgess Hill to make it onto the Monopoly board. I know the campaign must be suffering dearly in my absence from the forefront of the trail, but please do not use this as an excuse - I expect on my return to hear of our success, and it will be one that I feel will equal, if not eclipse, that of Jesus Christ's resurrection.

Friday 04/05/07

In the last 48 hours, Bannf's Favourite Minor Celebrity has done his country proud. For today at a race track high up in the mountains, McCarthy achieved third place out of fourteen in a go-karting event. It was simply an exhilirating experience, and as our football, cricket and rugby teams continue to do St George a complete dis-service, I have stepped up to the plate to play a small part in putting the Great back into Britain. I also won in some style a drinking contest last night in a small village pub in the mountains, where I was delighted to discover Strongbow on tap, and enjoy my first straight cider since arrival in Canada. Equally as delighful was the fact that literally every adult in the town seemed to be on cannabis, which was surreal in itself

Since my last entry, I have left Vancouver and joined a touring party to explore the mountains. This party is full of many nationalities, most disapointingly a large contingent of Australians. I am, however, managing to surive, despite the words "crikey" and "heaps" seeming to appear in every other conversation.

Many of you will be aware of my appaling record of losing things on trips, and I can confirm that I have so far lost two items. Within four days of arrival, I have managed to lose my sunglasses - making that four pairs lost in just under two years now. An enviable record, I am sure you will agree. The other loss was my credit and debit card. However, after a panic that I can only compare to a Jew being instructed to take a shower in Aushwitz, I found them again, safely returned to the reception area of hostel

I have continued to meet and greet some interesting people, including one called Ken whom claims to have been chased out of Ottawa by the police for setting up his own political party, campaigning against the free masons who run every commonweath country. For more information on this man, who has managed to confuse even me with his spout as to whether he is a certifield lunatic, or a future Oliver Cromwell, he gave me his website address - www.eh-ok.ca

Sights seen so far include Bridal Veil Falls, the Trans Pacific Railway Headquarters, and the second longest highway in the world. Tomorrow sees us travel further into the Rockys, where I hope to add a bear to the list of creatures I have seen so far, which includes mountain goat, deer, a coyotee, copious eagles and a couple of Japanese women.

Wednesday 02/05/07

A fine last two days in Vancouver, even if the weather has turned somewhat Jewish today with a down pour of rain. Monday saw McCarthy travel to the top of the Harbour Tower, where he was afforded astonishing views over the city and the background mountains. His attempts to open a window on the observation tower, a good 50 storeys high, were unfortunately denied due to a tricky locking system. Not to be deterred, I decided to spend the time amusing myself by taking photos of fat people

After this, I headed back to the beach, where I did not fall asleep, and then enjoyed a long walk home through what can only be described as the pikier area of town. On this walk, Vancouver's Newest Minor Celebrity found a "7 Eleven", which I instantly recognised to be the North American version of a shop owned by a family of Pakistani persuasion. Here I parted with $7, around 3 pounds, for what can only be described as a mammoth sub. This thing was probably as long as my arm, and jam-packed with ham, sausage, two types of cheese and something else. Needless to say, I devoured it like a newborn baby

Yesterday I visited the aquarium, and had the fortune of seeing some dolphins in a show, and a rather drunk man shouting abuse. There was also a set of Aryan whales among many other interesting creatures. After this, I explored the huge Stanley Park, where I promptly got lost among the wilderness, but saw some chipmunks - unfortunately not Alvin, Simon or Theodore. This four hour walk took its toll, but I was delighted to stumble across a wrap shop on the way home. Many of you loyal fans will know just how much I love my chicken wraps, and here was a whole shop devoted to them, Needless to say I was in heaven. I then had the fortune of watching the Cannucks' hockey game on TV with a drunk man, who would scream "cunt those Americans up" every 2 minutes

Today is my final day in this fine city, as I intend to head up towards Lake Louise in the mountains tomorrow, investigating Jasper National Park as I do so. This opens up all the opportunity to see some more native wildlife, and a chance to wrestle a bear could emerge. With this in mind, I bid you all farewell!

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