PREVIOUS YEARS ENTRIES FROM THE DIARY:

NOVEMBER 2006

Monday 27/11/06

Today's question minions is simple - what is the purpose of a gap year? When I told the lucky University the Mac has accepted that I was taking a gap year, I was asked for the purpose of it - I said to gain vital experience ahead of becoming independent at University. This has, infact, proven to be a huge untruth. Having finished college six months ago now, I look at a list as long as a gerbils penis of what I have achieved thus far

That was until this weekend. Loyal listeners will remember that I have had a long standing dream - to reset my body clock. This began as a pipe dream back in February 2004, and worked for a while as I lived with only 6 hours sleep. Unfortunately, this resulted in chronic illness and memory loss. There was also the time I went for 42 hours without sleep, a mammoth test of endurance that left me shattered for some time. Well, now fans, I have finally done it - a combination of alcohol, night shift work and the Ashes have seen me no longer have what is a conventional body clock

My prime example of this has been this weekend - from 1am Friday morning until approximately 2am Sunday morning, I did not sleep. This was a combination of the Ashes, a drinking session on Friday that saw me have the honor of sharing drinking space with Mr Vincent, Mr Pottern and Mr Dawson of Oakmeeds fame, and a trip to Doncaster Saturday. I then slept for 15 hours Sunday, and since then have had only 4 hours sleep. Quite what this is doing to my health I do not know, as I have lost any sort of sleeping pattern I once had.

However, most importantly this means one of my life goals is completed - I have managed to throw sleeping patterns and body clocks out of the window, and can now seemingly stay awake for as long as I like and sleep for as little as I like. One can only hope this leads to an invitation to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show, if for nothing else so that I may slap that annoying hoodlum. With this life ambition complete, I can now focus on some of my other goals - being caught in a compromising position with a farmyard animal by the local constabulary, feeding someone an explosive to re-create the birth in Alien, except without the Alien obviously, playing a small but vital role in a production of a George Orwell novel, writing off a Rolls Royce stolen from an elderly and infirm women named Jude, successfully riding a Penny Farthing through a packed pedestrianised area designated 'No Cycling', and walking threw a busy German library with a bull horn, shouting phrases such as "Guten Abend" (good afternoon), "Der Spiegelei ist rot" (the fried egg is ready) and "Mein verkehrsampel ist kaput" (my traffic light is broken)

I would like to conclude this entry by wishing Peter Chapman a very happy 24th birthday for last Friday, and reassure him that middle age is not as bad as it seems, and is only realistically a downward spiral to false teeth, baldness and stair lifts - which in fact can be rather fun

Monday 20/11/06

It would appear that there is no circulation to my right leg. This occurred in a ridiculous challenge on the football pitch on Saturday, and has left me worse for wear and unable to walk convincingly. Apart from this incident, the weekend scores up there with the best ones of the year so far, following what can only be described as a wrecker.

Friday saw 6 quiet pints in the Weald lead to a town visit, before returning to the Lane Residence were a cheese salad was in order to sober up. This then was followed by the first Truffles Breakfast in some time, including the phenomenal square egg. Saturday saw the evening spent at the Harding residence, where Pat and Joel put on a superb party that saw McCarthy and Ian Simpson demolish their way through a 24 crate of Strongbow. Getting back from the middle of nowhere has always proven interesting, and this time it was with John Owen/Owen John that I got a taxi, and he then stayed the night at the Towers in an absolute mess. I would also like to offer my full congratulations to both Simmo and Dan Jacques, as I have never seen two men throw up so much in one night. A top effort

Call me sick, as I know many of you will, but I found this weeks Mid Sussex Times In Memoriam section absolutely hilarious - simply because of the fact that in the middle of the page, in huge letter, dominating it if you will, was just the simple word - Pratt. To be honest, it is immature to laugh at such a thing, but I feel the lack of initial before it makes it what it is. So much so, being the morbid and distasteful individual I am, I decided to take a photo of it:

The Oakmeeds Pictorial is nearly ready for its grand relaunch, and looking through the images has made me realise just how much fun those carefree days of 2004 were. From rolling down stairs to rearranging classroom so they were backwards, from hanging out of library first floor windows to games of Countdown, they were good times

And finally, here are some images from the weekends adventures. With, of course, a long awaited return from the audio commentaries that used to accompany the ridiculous evenings out So hear it all - Before and After!

Dougie and Bert enjoy a quiet few in the Weald, before the foolish decision to go into town was taken	McCarthy looks horrified at this idea
And he had good reason to be, as the evening ends at around 2 with French cider at the Lane Residence	Dougie decides it will be a good idea to enjoy a cheese salad
Having worn his work clothes all night, the excuse was that he was a teacher. The bar maid was not impressed, and nor was she when McCarthy told her his name was Garth	The salads are delightful
Traditional Truffles breakfast	McCarthy enjoys a tea
The unique square egg	There was a sign hanging here when we arrived in Iceland
Unfortunately, Dougie knocked it down when he hit his head	Red Bull is the best drink to get yourself going in the morning
Simpson on the Saturday night, possibly after one of his sickness sessions

Wednesday 15/11/06

Listeners, I have news of the re-launch of the Pictorial Section. Yes, I, Scott McCarthy, have finally decided to get off of my rectum and snort out some new content for the site. This involves a new Pictorial - launched today, entitled 'The Esso Pictorial', and the re-instatement of the Oakmeeds Pictorial and the Haywards Heath Pictorial. This new found hunger comes from my new telecommunications device, which allows for some pretty decent images to be taken. It also gives me the chance to entertain myself on the long night shifts that I have recently undertaken

How long this takes is dependant on how bothered I am to complete it, but with the return of my chronic back trouble from a bygone era, it means I will have more time to spend on the computer as opposed to perfecting my Olympic gymnasts routine. A healthy pay check at the start of December will also see the filming of the Christmas Song after the purchase of the new camera - which is still in the planning stage (the song, not the camera) as the last board meeting saw us make as much progress as a disabled tortoise, due to the temptation of the Weald dartboard

All in all, the coin a classic McCarthy saying from years gone by, exciting times!

Monday 13/11/06

McCarthy has ended up in some embarrassing situation is the past through alcohol consumption - from being naked on the infamous giant chair, sleeping in a bush, being removed from a ditch, posting chips covered in mayonnaise through a letter box and falling off of the war memorial being some examples. However, Friday night potentially took the biscuit for embarrassment, ridiculousness and sheer stupidity. Firstly, I should start by wishing Miss Emily Benyon a very happy 18th birthday - this now means she can legally participate in drinking, which is rather exciting for all concerned. I would also like to thank her for throwing a superb party

Now, I had my doubts about a return visit to the Junction. Last time I was there I was horrendously sick, and the time before that I was unable to walk. This is due, in part, to the ridiculous price of £2.10 for a pint of Strongbow. Obviously, this made for a very messy Scott McCarthy. The fellow party guests were in luck though, as they did not get treated to a McCarthy karaoke performance once, but TWICE. The first time saw McCarthy perform with Miss Kate Brockes, singing Respect by Aretha Franklin or whatever her name is. Trouble was, McCarthy was at around the pint 6 mark by this point, and was therefore struggling slightly - both with the speed of the song, and the words themselves. However, his second song, Angels with a Mr Hindes, was a total success, as this illustrious duet pulled off Robbie better than Robbie could pull off himself. With Dougie leaving, it meant McCarthy was on his own for a while, talking to the likes of Mike Goulden and Matt Amos about nothing in particular. Then, disaster struck - James Calver arrived. The first time McCarthy and Calver had been out together since the night they started shooting people with a ridiculously powerful BB Gun. 

The disaster ended in the Railway, with McCarthy being a 'total mess' to quote someone I bumped into. Clearing the 10 pint mark, the walk home was always going to be fun, and the evening ended with McCarthy being found naked, lying on the kitchen floor covered in crisps and water. Worryingly, the back door was open, which could suggest that McCarthy wandered into the garden naked. Not a problem in the dark, this could of proved hazardous due to the security light designed to deter intruders into Burgess Hills Number 1 Tourist Attraction, which may of illuminated McCarthy for all the neighbours to see. Obviously no complaints were received, as nobody would complain of seeing Scott McCarthy naked. 

In other news, Brighton won 8-0 on Saturday. (Yes, that is EIGHT). Last night, I witnessed one of the funniest things I have ever had the privilege of seeing, when at work, a mans glass eye fell out. Unbelievable. He clutched his head, before McCarthy naturally enquired as to what was wrong. He responded with, "nothing, my glass eye has just come out", before scrambling around on the floor to retrieve it. Much to my bewilderment, there it was, just lying there. Struggling to contain my delight, I was forced into making a hasty retreat into the stock room to laugh myself something chronic

Tuesday 07/11/06

Scott McCarthy and bizarre injuries seem to go together like a glove and a hand. Many fans will remember the back injury occurred while taking part in a community dance project, the cracked head when colliding with a goal post, the stabbing with a scalpel in an RE lesson, and ultimately the ankle ligament damage which has plagued me in the last two years, first occurring when kicking a bottle, missing it and falling down a hill, but since being bought back to the forefront by falling off a 10 foot high chair, and ultimately a war memorial that was probably around 12 foot in height. Well, this morning I think I topped all off those, as it would appear I have seemingly pulled the troublesome right groin muscle when trying to get into bed. Yes minions, as I attempted to slide under my covers after a hard nights work, one leg went in, while the other remained stationery, seemingly glued to the floor. This lead to McCarthy in an uncompromising position, whereby he was virtually doing the splits. Despite Carinas attempts to teach me this skill many moons ago, I never had the will power, or more importantly the flexibility required to perform it, and it certainly came back to haunt me this morning, as I writhed in agony over the unhealthy, and more vitally unnatural position my legs had taken. After sleeping it off, I am now back to the classic McCarthy walk of that with a limp

I have also decided that the Esso garage is haunted. A silly thing to say I hear you cry, but McCarthy has expertise in the area of the paranormal. Some may remember the Burgess Hill Ghostbusters, not one of my better dollar developing schemes, but one in which McCarthy and Kieran Elliott would film using night vision to discover if your house was haunted via the appearance of the infamous Most Haunted 'orb' - a little white light that would dance across the camera screen in night vision that indicated a spirit being present. The most lively response we ever got was in Carinas house - on the stairs no less, where her cats used to go mental and she was under the impression that little children ghosts ran around. It was an invigorating experience, and my intuition in this field tells me that their is something at that Esso garage. So, as soon as the new camera is purchased, I will be using my night shift to do some thorough research into what could be there. Exciting times!

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