PREVIOUS YEARS ENTRIES FROM THE DIARY:

OCTOBER 2006

Tuesday 24/10/06

Listeners, I have touched Peter Andres plastic. It was your traditional Tuesday evening on the night shit at the refueling station of dreams that is Esso Haywards Heath, when I served a customer with a distinctive Australian accent and a nice tan. I thought nothing of it, until two girls in the que behind starting getting somewhat hysterical. This is obviously a natural reaction to have around a Minor Celebrity, so I thought nothing of it, even going as far as to consider asking for their numbers, despite their somewhat pikie appearance. It was only when I looked up I recognised the man I was serving. Looking back at his credit card, my suspicions were confirmed - yes, it was Mr P. Andre. Holding back the temptation to suggest we swapped autographs, or I serenaded him with 'Mysterious Girl', wowing him off his feet so he puts me in contact with a record company and become the next Gareth Gates, only without the stutter, I let him go about his business as per normal, before seeing him pull away in his tinted windows beastly motor. Needless to say, I virtually ejaculated on the spot, but no doubt he was giving Jordan an ear full the whole way home about how he had met Scott McCarthy, Minor Celebrity

So, the major event of the year has now been and passed, and needless to say McCarthy and Lane did not disappoint in their challenge to complete all 12 pubs in Burgess Hill in aid of Scott McCarthy Day XIX. McCarthy completing the first 7 pubs with holes in one, while Lane did 5 of these, and both athletes threw in 3 strawpedos along the way. Needless to say, by the time the evening was completed with all 12 done, both men were in a mess, with Doug missing out Jacobs Post to sleep by McDonalds, only to be picked up by the police, arriving home at 8.30. McCarthy did slightly better, and managed to complete Mooch after the 12 pubs, before being rejected entry to the St Pauls Freshers Ball and the majority of bars due to his drunkard state. After passing out at least twice, falling over countless occasions, we arrived back at the Weald, where the following day McCarthy's state was described as "comatosed". It was a wonderful effort by all, and I would like to offer thanks to Peter Chapman for providing transport between the first 6 holes. I would also like to thank everyone who attended, even though I don't remember seeing half of you over the course of the evening. Pub Golf now looks set to become a regular event, and we will be intending to have one in the run up to Christmas, this time incorporating proper golfing clothes, small plastic clubs and maybe even a golf buggy to transport us from pub to pub

In other news, I would like to offer my birthday wishes to Carina Garner-Agate, who has now turned 18. Despite the hostile reception I received at the party from her mother, which was rather strange given the fact we went through an amicable divorce (not me and the mother, me and Carina), we still get on rather well and the added fact that it was Scott McCarthy who had paid the deposit in one of his drunken states. Even so, it was a delightful evening full of fun and frolic. Speaking of delightful evenings, this Saturday is sure to be a proper wreck up, as McCarthy and Owen John host the Hassocks FC Halloween Party at the Beacon. Anyone is welcome to attend, with festivities kicking off at 7.30pm

Finally, my last entry detailed how I would do the complete opposite to what was suggested men to do to get women in this months FHM. I can confirm that, despite me now appearing 'unattractive' to women as that article would have the last majority believe, I have in the last three weeks taken one woman out for a delightful evening at the Chinese which went delightfully well, have renewed acquaintances with a mystical character from bygone years after sharing several bottles of wine and High School Musical, and have been invited out to 'catch up' with another former acquaintance. So, for all those chaps out there struggling with women at the minute, I have McCarthys words of advice - Ignore FHM, it is a load of bollocks

Friday 06/10/06

There are two points to today's entry minions. Firstly, a question of morality came over me in recent weeks during one spell of work at the infamous Esso garage. I was feeling in one of those 'McCarthy Moods' as they have been so cheerfully named by someone at Oakmeeds, which just basically involves taking the blatant michael out of someone. Wednesdays poor victim was an old chap who had popped in to purchase some petrol. With prices at their lowest for some time, a lot of people have been taking advantage by filling up religiously. In comes one old boy, and he asks Burgess Hills Favourite Minor Celebrity: "How long will prices be this low". With an empty shop, I decide to take advantage of the situation. Doing McCarthys best 'secretive' pose, I leant over the counter, glanced from left to right quickly to check we were alone, and divulged the information to him in a secretive whisper. "Well, I shouldn't really tell anyone this, but the word in the industry is that they are going to shoot up again due to complications in Iraq, so I would fill up as much as possible before they do." This man thanked me profoundly, and vowed that he would ensure he has a full tank of petrol from now on, so he is prepared for when this 'crisis' hits Britain

Now before the motorists among you head out and join this chap on his crusade to panic buy, I would just like to state that that information was completely false, and there is no such petrol crisis. I just took great pleasure in toying with the emotions, bank account and fuel consumption of a fellow homosapien. Remember, minions, you have to be cruel to be kind

My second point also arises from work. When bored, I took it upon myself to browse through this months FHM, and lo and behold, discovered a piece about "What women want", whereby they surveyed the opposite sex to find out what they wanted from men. I found this article to be enlightening, if not total bullshit, so I have decided to do exactly the OPPOSITE of what the article suggests to see if it makes any difference. The following is therefore what you can expect from McCarthy in the next few weeks:

99% of women don't want you to be sporting a beard - I will therefore be growing a beard
77% of women like hair well trimmed, short and messy - I will therefore be growing my hair to a ridiculous length
51% of women don't believe you need a flashy car - I will therefore be looking to purchase some form of Porsche (money dependant)
72% of women think being funny is more important than good looking - I will therefore attempt to become as boring as possible
86% of women aren't impressed by being bought champagne - I will therefore buy it at every opportunity (money dependant)
6% of women, just 6% enjoy compliments about their rears - I will therefore compliment it whenever I meet a lady
55% of women prefer to be given the mans number - I will therefore refuse blankly to give mine out, only accepting a ladies
68% of women think a first date should be sober - I will therefore ruin myself at every opportunity
73% of women like "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" - I will therefore be as nice as possible, in a boring kind of way
67% of women believe your sex life is over if Mother finds you going at it - I will therefore make it as obvious as possible to Ali Mac
88% of women said "no way" to unprotected sex - I will therefore be throwing out the supply of rubber

All of these things are supposed to make me less attractive to women, but they clearly do not apply to Burgess Hills Minor Celebrity, as he has scored himself the opportunity to take a young female acquaintance to the famous China Garden. This is a prime opportunity to put into practice all of the things FHM recommend you don't do, and see if it makes any difference to the evening as a whole. No, contrary to what you are thinking, this is not an opportunity to enjoy an evening out with a young fan who is clearly obsessed with McCarthy, but it is infact an evening I am sacrificing in the name of science. I will report back with my findings in due course

In other news, I would like to offer my birthday wishes to Carina Garner-Agate, who has now turned 18. Despite the hostile reception I received at the party from her mother, which was rather strange given the fact we went through an amicable divorce (not me and the mother, me and Carina), we still get on rather well and the added fact that it was Scott McCarthy who had paid the deposit

Wednesday 04/10/06

Minions, I am pleased to report that after a lay off of a couple of months, the old Scott McCarthy is back. Yes, you may not have noticed it, hell I didn't even notice it, but since June 2006 there had been a distinct lack of the randomness that I used to enjoy. No little drunkard interviews with Dougie, no pictures of James Calver passed out on a street, no tales of violence, drug abuse or projectile vomiting. While this may have been good for my health, and I enjoyed this new found healthy lifestyle, I realised in the last week that it was not who Scott McCarthy was born to be - and for this, I offer my congratulations to the one person who bought me back into proper drinking as we refer to it

Yes, last Friday came to the text I had longed for, prayed for if you will. "Scotty Mac, day off, fancy a session? Tb mate Laney". This will remain in my inbox forever. 11am comes, we hit the Weald. 2 pints later and we hit the town. By 1pm we are enjoying a further 2 pints in Jacobs Post, followed by another 2 pints in Mooch and the dreaded Doctor Pepper - half pint of lager, half pint of coke, with a shot of whiskey dropped in, including the glass. When the shot glass hits the bottom, you down the drink and it gives you brain freeze. 6 pints and one of them, and it is only just gone 2pm. Next stop, Pulse, where we enjoy a further pint and one  vodka mud shake. Over to the Potters, 2 pints in there and another Doctor Pepper and consumption is getting silly. McCarthy is promptly removed for being too drunk, so we head back to Mooch. Another pint in there, off to Bar Cena, another pint in there, then down to Burgess Hill Football Club to celebrate Mike Goulden 18th with another 4 or 5 pints. It was a proper mess up, but reminded Scott McCarthy of the life he used to live, and the one that gave so much fulfillment

Anyway, in other news, McCarthy TV is over. Yes, in another drunken rage I have managed to crack the entire camera into virtually two pieces. No-one is entirely sure how this happened, but it was inevitable following our brawl in Manchester, which left Tom Cutting looking attractively like this:

Another example of the old Scott McCarthy returning. In a weeks time it is Scott McCarthy Day XIX, and then the following Friday it is the Pub Golf challenge. The course is being designed as we speak, with each pub being given a 'par', which guides you on how many go's it should take to complete your beverage. The winner at the end of the competition is the one with the lowest score, just like in real golf - although it is realised that realistically the only people stupid enough to go the whole distance in this competition will be McCarthy and Lane, and there is a high chance of hospitilisation. We can only hope that is the case anyway!

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